My Colby-Sawyer Experience

“My classes stress the interconnectedness of knowledge. A recent Fulbright fellowship provided the opportunity to work with undergraduate and graduate students at Kyoto Seika University in Japan. My teaching at Colby-Sawyer College is enhanced thanks to this experience.”
Fine and Performing Arts Professor Jon Keenan

Chargeusse

Cast:
Phineas “Phin” Joseph Ames- 22 year old male
Bram Bufferman- male in his 20's
Aera- female in her 20's
Sophie- 17 year old female
Veronica “Nica” Julie Smitherson- 18 year old female
Morgan Green- 26 year old male
Ice- male in his mid-to-late 30's
James Sentzke- 16 year old male
Dorthy Hamill- 72 year old female

The Play:
(AERA, ICE and JAMES are already in the bar for work. MORGAN walks in past ICE, and heads straight towards the jukebox. He keeps glancing over at the bar, and AERA notices.)
AERA: You look like a Jack and coke guy.
MORGAN: Just the Jack—I mean the coke. Have it in the bottle?
AERA: For you, sausage? I'm sure we have it out back. (goes out back. BRAM walks in and tries to talk to ICE)
ICE: ID please.
BRAM: Yeah I've got it, let me just—here you go. The picture's a little funny, I was so hung over, and I—
ICE: Move along.
BRAM: Okay, great, thanks. (He goes straight to the bar, looking around for the bartender. MORGAN notices this, continues looking at jukebox, but after a pause looks back at BRAM)
MORGAN: She's back there, she's looking for coke.
BRAM: (intrigued) Oh really? You're into that? (PHIN walks in, nods to ICE, and proceeds to the bar, sitting close to BRAM. BRAM moves over to sit closer) Hey there. How's it going?
PHIN: (sarcastic) Fantastic.
BRAM: What brings you here?
PHIN: Beer.
BRAM: Oh, beer? How neat. What's your brew of choice?
PHIN: Are you hitting on me?
BRAM: Hitting on you? Hitting on you? No, no, no, I'm not into that, are you into that? I'm not into that.
PHIN: God, I need a drink. (AERA walks in with a case of glass bottles of coke for MORGAN. She sees PHIN)
AERA: No worries Phin. (to MORGAN) Here ya go, mate. (slides over one of the coke bottles to MORGAN, then grabs a glass, spins it prior to filling it up from the tap, humming to herself. Then, to BRAM) And what can I get for you, stranger?
BRAM: Um… same as him. (pointing to Phin. He watches AERA intently as she prepares the drinks. Whispering to Phin) Who's that?
PHIN: That's Aera. She's good people.
BRAM: What a great body.
PHIN: You're not her type.
BRAM: How do you know?
PHIN: You don't even know her, buddy.
BRAM: Well, I'd like to get to know her.
PHIN: She's not interested.
BRAM: Not yet. (BRAM smiles, but PHIN gets ready to retort)
MORGAN: Hey boys, this round's on me.
AERA: (places the drinks down in front of them) Lucky you.
BRAM: Sure am lucky. (At this point, SOPHIE and VERONICA come in and are confronted by ICE)
ICE: ID please.
SOPHIE: Of course we have IDs! Here you go. (She and VERONICA hand over their IDs, and Sophie smiles and winks at him, ICE doesn't acknowledge it. She reaches out and touches his arm) Wow, you're so strong. Do you work out? (again, ICE doesn't acknowledge it. Hands the IDs back and steps aside as they both go in)
VERONICA: Smooth. (JAMES comes in from the back to clean off tables, and the two girls catch his attention)
SOPHIE: Hey thanks, the IDs worked great. (JAMES walks over to ICE who is standing arms crossed at the door. He stares off in the distance even as JAMES is directly in front of him.)

ICE: (walks over to James and grabs his shoulder) 30 year olds… really? Don't mess with me, kid.

JAMES: Ah.. Yeah.. but.. thanks for like… lettin' them in... and......... Hey, like, I'm gonna need a couple more of those I.D.'s (he pulls out a crumbled piece of paper from his pocket and begins to read…) ahh a blonde girl, about 5'7” and a redhead, same height, maybe a few inches tal-…(stops in his tracks—notices ICE is not paying attention)

ICE: (says nothing)

JAMES: Ice….? can you do that for me?

ICE: (Looks down at JAMES, acknowledging him for the first time) Yea, sure

JAMES: (Looks relieved and begins to walk away)

ICE: (Without missing a beat) As soon as you pay me for the last two.

JAMES: (Turns around and looks shocked even though he knows ICE is right) Ah-.. well! You know me. You know I'm good for it…

ICE: (Staring at James)

JAMES: I know.. just..? How long we, like, been doin' this? I thought we were friends (as he gently puts a hand on ICE's arm)

ICE: WATCH IT you little punk! (ICE explodes. He grabs JAMES by the shirt, opens the front door, and takes him outside where it is slightly raining. Across the bar, AERA notices this, quickly looks away, then does her best job to distract everyone at the bar away from the commotion at the door)

ICE: Listen to me. I ain't your friend. (ICE is now holding JAMES by the shirt up against the outside of the bar. JAMES is terrified) You don't think I know those two broads are underage? You don't think I recognize those I.D.'s? Do you know what happens to me if anyone finds out about this? What did I tell you about using the I.D.'s here?

JAMES: (JAMES mumbles looking down and to the side) Always this wall?

ICE: (ICE raises his hand as if he is about to strike JAMES) I can't hear you.

JAMES: Ta..ta.. to never use the..them in the bar, dude. I'm sorry. I needed the money.. I'm running low on my stock.. I can't get it to you now, but I.. I'll get it to you.. This was the last time!

(ICE lets go of JAMES and takes a step back as two boys—about JAMES' age—get out of a cab in front of the bar.)

ONE OF THE BOYS: Yo, James! (Both ICE and JAMES turn around) Hey, is this the dude with the fake I.D.'s?

(ICE quickly looks left and right, seeing if anyone on the street heard the shockingly loud question from the boy)

JAMES: (looks guilty) … except.. for this time.. and maybe… like.. a few more times tonight..

ICE: (Looking back at JAMES who is looking at ICE nervously) We're through.

(ICE walks back into bar. Focus back inside the bar, JAMES, hair wet and face twisted, goes to sneak by between a satisfyingly overwhelmed SOPHIE, and an apprehensive VERONICA, who has her arms crossed. When JAMES parts through the two girls and starts to do busy work, SOPHIE gives a big smile and waves, while VERONICA is knocked off balance and steadies herself by grabbing SOPHIE'S shoulder. SOPHIE appears not to notice. JAMES plops himself down on a chair next to MORGAN, who is unfazed.)

JAMES: Hey, uh… uh….. (He blinks a few times, looking somewhat confused…) girl… get me a drink….
AERA: Don't call me girl you little twerp. Drink your soda, and get the hell back there lad
JAMES: You can't spike it just a little? (He gives her a half pleading, half knowing look.)
AERA: No. (hands him a coke) What, things aren't well with your big brother? I knew that bald guy was a little...
JAMES: Look, I don't really, uh, don't want to, you know.
AERA: Riigghhttt, well, if you want to talk about it, you know where to find me. Cheer up, silly boy. (AERA goes back to her duties)
JAMES: (Under his breath) Like I know where. (Gives her a puzzled look, but as he looks over at MORGAN, breaks a bit of a smile.)
MORGAN: Hey, kid.
JAMES: (JAMES looks over and gives him a look. Then just snaps into attention and sips his drink.)
MORGAN: (smiles nonetheless) Ah, looks like we've got similar tastes.
JAMES: … why like.. why're you not drinking?
MORGAN: Well I don't like to.
JAMES: .. pussy. Real men drink.
MORGAN: What are you trying to say?
JAMES: Well, I just you know.. you're not a man.
MORGAN: (with a bit of amusement in his voice) I guess that makes me a boy then, huh?
JAMES: … No makes you a woman.. I think.. or a hermaphrodite..” (suddenly looks thoughtful)
MORGAN: Or maybe I just like a good pop.
JAMES: (looks back over) Lady.
MORGAN: Listen, I got my reasons ok?
JAMES: Still a lady.. (mumbles to himself) If I was older I'd be drinkin'..
MORGAN: Look, you're not. Kid, just be a kid, I wish I had. Been there done that, ok? (Gets up to leave and heads to the jukebox.)
JAMES: (looks at MORGAN as he walks away, as AERA looks up, acting as if she hadn't been listening the entire time.)
AERA: Way to go, oh, look at the time, you'd best be tending to your duties, shouldn't you?
JAMES: Like I said, I, uh...-
AERA: Jimmy.
JAMES: Whatever.. (as he chugs the last bits of liquid and carelessly leaves it on the counter before heading to the backroom. AERA just looks apathetically at the young guy, and continues to tidy up the bar.)
VERONICA: Well, we're in. We're in the bar.
SOPHIE: (Still looking around, hasn't made eye-contact with VERONICA yet.) I know right, isn't it thrilling? Wow. This is, like, real life Nic. This will be a night to remember. Soak it in!
VERONICA: Yes, I am just a sponge for excitement.
SOPHIE: I've got chills, walking through the door was exhilarating.
VERONICA: Let's see if walking out the door has the same effect, shall we?
SOPHIE: (excited gasp, then spoken in an excited whisper) Oh. My. God. There he is. That's the mysteriously handsome guy from the library! Isn't he so mysteriously handsome?
VERONICA: I mean…I guess.., I,- What? Wait, Sophie, why are we here, it's a school n-
SOPHIE: Oh, he's beautiful. Veronica, c'mon really, and he's a bad boy…I heard he makes a ton of money hacking into company computer systems. Isn't that the sexiest thing you've ever heard?
VERONICA: Indeed, ever since the “he's way too old for you” charm. Just melts me.
SOPHIE: I'm going to go introduce myself. (Starts walking toward PHIN at the bar)
VERONICA: Of course you-you're what?! Soph, Soph! (but it's too late. SOPHIE makes a beeline toward the bar, stopping just behind PHIN. She adjusts her clothing and fixes her hair.)
BRAM: So that's when I came to the conclusion that it wasn't the chicken or the egg, it all started with a chemical reaction after all, you see? Hah! Little interesting tidbit for you. That was an amusing tangentical journey for statistics class. That was back in my undergraduate days, though. Loved 'em, but excited as hell for it all to be done, you know?
PHIN: (pause) There's no relevant response that can be given for your, 'tidbit.'
SOPHIE: Excuse me, is this seat taken?
PHIN: (Turning to look at SOPHIE, dryly) No. (SOPHIE sits down to the right of PHIN. BRAM is to the left, and MORGAN is a couple seats to the right of SOPHIE. Rolling her eyes, VERONICA retreats to the corner of the bar, a few seats to the right of MORGAN. PHIN gives SOPHIE a questioning look.)
SOPHIE: You did say it wasn't taken, yes? (Giving a flirty glance)
PHIN: I did clarify that. (Turning to face AERA, who is arranging things behind the counter)
AERA: Everything to your liking gents? Oh! And now what could I get for (noticing SOPHIE and VERONICA appear younger.) our newcomers..?
VERONICA: Oh, we'll both just have a water please, thanks.
SOPHIE: No, we're both gonna get some…beer! Yeah, a nice cold brew!
AERA: Alrighty, who ya drinkin?
SOPHIE: Well, who do ya got?
AERA: Bud, Bud Light, Boston Lager, Sam Summer, Blue Moon, Sea Dog, and good ol' Guiness. Pick your poison.
SOPHIE: Umm ..hm..how about the, light one? Gotta watch the figure, you know?
AERA: Bottle? Or how's tap?
SOPHIE: Sure! I mean, that's good enough for me. Most of the bottled stuff comes from the tap anyway.
AERA: 16 or 20 ounce?
SOPHIE: Um..a small?
AERA: I see. Then this should be just perfect. (AERA places a root beer in front of the girls)
MORGAN: Ah, in the bottle too huh? It's the only way to go.
SOPHIE: I'll keep that in mind. (to PHIN) I'm Sophie, by the way. (PHIN gives a slight nod, without looking over at her.) And who might you be?
PHIN: Phin. (looking slightly annoyed)
SOPHIE: How interesting and exotic! Is that short for something? Just Phin? Doesn't matter I like Phin. Suits you.
PHIN: I'm so glad. (AERA walks by, and PHIN goes to say something but BRAM beats him to it.)
BRAM: So Aera, how long have you worked here?
AERA: Oh I never really keep track, I need pretty constant changes of scenery. Been here a bit though, this place is something.
BRAM: I can see that, it gives great vibes. Relaxing yet exciting.
AERA: It really does, such a comfortable contradiction. What brings you out on a Tuesday?
BRAM: It may be the beginning of the week, but I just finished a huge project and two, three maybe? papers. I wrote so much, I may or may not have started one of them by quoting Pink Floyd lyrics.
AERA: Pink Floyd? Great attention grabber.
SOPHIE: (Sophie trying to listen in adds) Oh my God, I love Pink Floor!
PHIN: Oh God. Wish I wasn't here. (PHIN gets up to go outside)
VERONICA: (VERONICA rolls her eyes and makes the correction) Pink Floyd, Soph.
SOPHIE: Oh rightttt that's what I meant. Pink Floyd. He's hot. (SOPHIE notices PHIN isn't around as VERONICA shoots her a look as to shut up before she says anything else stupid) Excuse me, I'm just going to run to the girls room, Nica… you coming?
(already halfway to the bathroom, SOPHIE walks confidently looking over her shoulder for her friend… VERONICA jumps off her chair and scurries after SOPHIE so as not to be left alone at the bar with strangers. JAMES enters from the back room. His hair is wet and his face is twisted; but he's surprisingly chipper. He props himself down on a chair next to MORGAN, who is unfazed.)
JAMES: Could I have a soda please Miss Aera, uh girl.
AERA: Don't call me girl you little twerp. Drink your soda, and get the hell back there lad.
JAMES: Alright, I'm having a rough time of it, gee.
AERA: Things aren't well with your big brother? I knew that bald guy was a little—
JAMES: Look, I don't really, uh, don't want to, you know.
AERA: Riigghhttt, well, if you want to talk about it, you know where to find me. Cheer up, silly boy. (AERA goes back to her duties)
JAMES: (Under his breath) Like I know where. (Gives her a puzzled look, but as he looks over at MORGAN, breaks a bit of a smile.)
MORGAN: Hey, kid.
JAMES: Oh, me, oh heya. (pause) Looks like we've got similar tastes. Coke huh, ain't you a little old for such a weak—
MORGAN: What are you trying to say?
JAMES: Well, I just you know.
MORGAN: Yeah, well, I am just not into the booze, ok?
JAMES: Uh, well, if I was your age, I mean-
MORGAN: Maybe I just like a good pop.
JAMES: uh yeah, and I like...
MORGAN: Listen, I got my reasons ok.
JAMES: Well maybe you can buy me, if I was just a little older...
MORGAN: Look, you're just not older. Kid, just be a kid, I wish I had. Been there done that, ok? (Gets up to leave and heads to the jukebox.)
JAMES: (looks at MORGAN as he walks away, as AERA looks up, acting as if she hadn't been listening the entire time.)
AERA: Way to go, oh, look at the time, you'd best be tending to your duties, shouldn't you?
JAMES: Like I said, I, uh...-
AERA: Jimmy.
JAMES: Oh, ok. (as he chugs the last bits of liquid and slams his bottle down on the counter, all the while heading to the backroom. AERA just looks apathetically at the young guy, and continues to tidy up the bar. She is humming some random tune while wiping down the counter. BRAM is the only one still sitting at the bar.)
BRAM: I'm feeling pretty good right now. How are you feeling?
AERA: I'm feeling like its time for a shot.
BRAM: Why don't you let me buy a round for the two of us?
AERA: Most certainly sir . . . what are we drinking then?
BRAM: I wonder . . . do you like Patron?
AERA: Like would be the antithesis of an overstatement.
BRAM: You . . . just . . . blow me away. I had no idea you were such an intellect.
AERA: Now, now Mister Charmer. Is that sarcasm I sense or are you just terrible at making conversation with a stranger? (Taking the bottle down from the shelf)
BRAM: Well, no . . . I'm just . . . giving you a compliment. Can't you accept a goddamn compliment?
AERA: Hmmm. So quick to fire. (Pouring shots) Tell me good sir, what's your name?
BRAM: It's Bram. Bram Bufferman. Pleased to meet you. And your name, good lady?
AERA: To those who just want a strong drink, I'm 'bartender, drink-lady, or hey you'. If you're more into the social aspect of this place I'm Aera. (Puts shots down)
BRAM: Aera, well it is a pleasure to meet you … so now that we are acquainted, can I compliment your wit and sharpness or will you shoot me down again?
AERA: Darling, complimenting me is going to get you nowhere. Paying for your drink might just tickle me the right way.
BRAM: Well, here it is (handing her money). So look, I'm new here and I'm just trying to meet people. No reason to be on the defense, I swear.
AERA: Well, you are a man of truths; I can tell. And don't throw your spectacular compliments out on me. Save those babies for the ladies who might actually sleep with you.
BRAM: (Laughs in amazement) Well, you sure know how to tell the truth too. Look at all these things we have in common.
AERA: Settle down Brammy Boy, your acting foolish. We've just met…all these things?…its just one thing. A good thing no doubt – honesty is a superb quality in a character.
BRAM: Well I would like to think I am that way…do you mind if I am honest with you right now?
AERA: I might need another shot … how honest are we going to get?
BRAM: (laughs nervously) I'll be tasteful, I promise. Well I just moved here from the mid-west and am having a rough time adjusting to this unfamiliar lifestyle. I keep trying to meet people and be open, but no matter what I do, the relationships I form always go sour. I am here, in Boston, trying to start a new life, maybe change my destiny.
AERA: Now tell me, are you looking for love?
BRAM: Not necessarily. I have never really been too successful with women.
AERA: Yeah, I can see that.
BRAM: Oh well, thanks I guess.
AERA: Well Bram, I mean you approached me with such obscurity. I can only imagine that it is common in your social habits.
BRAM: It is…well it was…I am trying to change these parts of myself. I'm leaving that person's fate in the Mid-West. It just seems to haunt me wherever I go.
AERA: Fate is not restricted by the limits of the globe. (PHIN approaches the bar with his empty pint glass and motions to AERA).
PHIN: Hey, can you get me another beer please?
AERA: My pleasure, sausage.
PHIN: Thanks Aera. How's the night going so far?
AERA: Exquisite so far. Just chatting with a newcomer… Have you met Bram yet, Phin?
PHIN: No don't believe we have. Hi. (Awkwardly, PHIN and BRAM shake hands).
BRAM: Hi, nice to meet you. This is a great bar, huh?
PHIN: Yeah I have been coming here for at least 3 years. Nice local spot.
BRAM: That's great. I just moved down the block a couple months ago.
PHIN: Well I guess we will see you in here all the time then? (Sarcastically).
BRAM: You bet.
PHIN: Hm…fantastic.
AERA: I'm sure you two will be right good friends.
BRAM: Oh, I'm sure of it too, Aera. Phin here seems like a great guy, just a real gem. I look forward to doing a little male bonding. Whadya say buddy?
PHIN: (Aside, to Bram) Again with the pick up lines. I swear, man…
AERA: Swell then. If you don't mind, boys, I have some drinks to pour. I hope you enjoy each others company while I'm away… (She gives a knowing smile and goes to tend on Morgan, then to the back of the bar to clean glasses, etc.)
(JAMES steps out into the alley beside the bar. He takes out a cigarette and lights up. DORTHY steps into the alley under an umbrella and, upon seeing her, James hacks loudly and throws the cigarette to the side)
JAMES: Dorthy…
DORTHY: (smiles at him, seemingly not noticing the smoke billowing from the teen's mouth as he says her name) Hello, Dear. I came to bring you an umbrella. It's awful out.
JAMES: … (shrugs) it's okay..
DORTHY: Here you are! (hands him the umbrella)
JAMES: (takes it) …. Thanks.. (scratches the back of his head, all the way down to the side of his chin, shifting awkwardly. Looks around for a while) … are you just.. like.. gonna stand here?
DORTHY: (either ignores him or can't hear him) It's such an awful day..
JAMES: .. Yeah..
DORTHY: We should head in. No sense in us getting wet! (heads inside, eager to see who was there. JAMES follows behind her. DORTHY shakes her umbrella off in JAMES' direction, drenching him in the process. DORTHY does not notice) Oh it's hopping tonight!
JAMES: (annoyed) … yep..
DORTHY: Oh, who's that, Dear? (points to PHIN)
JAMES: (scratches his head and twitches his nose) … S'Phin, I dunno..
DORTHY: What did you say, Dear?
JAMES: S'Phin, I dunno..
DORTHY: Pardon?
JAMES: S'Phin, I dunno..
DORTHY: What was that?
JAMES: S'Phin, I dunno..
DORTHY: Oh, well that's nice. What does he do?
JAMES: Uhm.. like.. works at a library or sum'fin.. I dunno..
DORHTY: What, Dear?
JAMES: .. Wait, what?
DORTHY: What?
JAMES: ……………. What?
DORTHY: So he works at a library… oh and that man next to him?
JAMES: .. Uh.. B-B… (snaps his fingers) Br…. Bram… He's BRAM.. (says it into her ear)
DORHTY: no need to shout, Dear. I hear just fine.
JAMES: ……….. yeah.. yeah whatever.. gotta.. yeah… sum'fin.. (gives DORTHY an awkward hug-like gesture and moves to the back room. DORTHY in the meantime is walking around the bar, looking around and everyone and everything)
BRAM: (Gloating) So, didn't think she'd be interested, huh?
PHIN: She's not. She's creeped out. I can tell.
BRAM: I think someone's a little jealous of my immaculate game.
PHIN: You've got about as much game as a hand-held pinball machine. Don't flatter yourself.
BRAM: (Not phased) She's drawn to my wit and intelligence. We have that in common.
PHIN: And it's not the only thing. She, too, likes men.
BRAM: A wise man is superior to any insults which can be put upon him. Moliere.
PHIN: Alright, enough of this. (Gets up, heads to the end of the bar, and grabs AERA'S attention)
PHIN: Hey Aera, can I talk to you a minute?
AERA: Course, love. Need another lager?
PHIN: No I just wanted to talk to you about something.
AERA: Well, well, well… it's not often that I get a chat from you, Phinny.
PHIN: It's just….this Bram guy… I don't know about him… he's just a little—
AERA: Different?
PHIN: Worlds.
AERA: Well I kinda like that about him.
PHIN: Ya, I know, he's such a—wait, you what?
AERA: I mean, sure, he's a little—off…but aren't we all, Phin?
PHIN: I guess so…. But this guy is completely of his rocker. The kid is whacked, A. I don't think you should talk to him…it's not safe.
AERA: And you're a little angel, I suppose… (smiles teasingly)
PHIN: That's not what I'm sayin… you know what I mean.
AERA: I've been here long enough to know that everyone's hiding something in their deck. It's refreshing to meet someone who's not hiding behind a poker face.
PHIN: Come on, Aera. I've always been straight with you.
AERA: Maybe I wasn't talking about you, duck. You haven't seen my hand yet…
BRAM: (getting between PHIN and AERA) Hey guys! What are you doing? What are you talking about? Talking about anything interesting?
PHIN: Not at all.
BRAM: Oh great, so Aera, I was thinking… maybe we could finish our conversation over dinner sometime? I was thinking Italian, but really, whatever you like.
PHIN: (Stands up) Alright, if you think you can just come in here and start askin' people out, you have another thing coming!
BRAM: I'm not asking just anyone… I'm asking this lovely woman right here. Just because you're too chicken shit, I mean, that's not my fault… (trails off, taunting him)
PHIN: Last straw. It's on Shakespeare. (He throws a bar stool; it hits the jukebox, cutting the music. BRAM and PHIN lunge at each other. AERA tries to break them up from behind the bar. Everyone else watches, seemingly helpless…or entertained. SOPHIE and VERONICA emerge from the bathroom)
SOPHIE: Wow. Now this is hot.
(The struggle continues, and ICE gets in between BRAM and PHIN to try and stop them. Glasses shatter. Tension builds)
JAMES: (running for the back room) COPS!!! (ICE at this point lets go of the two guys fighting and heads towards James) Ohgod ohgod ohgod ohgod… (JAMES hides behind ICE)
(Everyone stops, looks at the door. They can see blues flashing through the small basement windows.) SOPHIE: Isn't this exciting Nica?
VERONICA: Yeah, if you never want to leave the house again!
(During the following lines, there are long, spaced out thumps of the police coming down the stairs, slowed down and not in real time)
VERONICA: I think I'm going to be sick! I can't believe this is happening! My parents are going to find out and then—
SOPHIE: Relax Nica. I wonder if the cops are hot, I love a guy in uniform.
VERONICA: Shut up Soph! Why did I even listen to you?
ICE: (grabs JAMES by the shirt) You little punk! You sold me out!
JAMES: W-what!? They're here for me!
BRAM: Shit! Shit! Shit! I'm guilty of it, it's all mine. Baby porn galore!
MORGAN: Good God! I thought I was done with this sort of thing! (sighs) At least I know what to do…
PHIN: How did they track me? I was so careful with that last hack!
JAMES: They finally found out about the IDs! And the drugs! And the bootlegging! And the theft! And the pushing! And the monkey! And the s..... (suddenly looks confused) oh god, is that ILLEGAL!? How old am I!? ... (counts on fingers) ... oh that's illegal... I'm going to jail.. (gets an idea. grabs ICE's shirt) QUICK! Sneak me out the back! I'll hide in a crate and you can carry me out over your shoulder! I don't mind! I'm flexible!
ICE: (pushes him away, stares him down, but doesn't move)
VERONICA: Fine! I admit it! I cheated on the SATs! I'm just, so afraid of failure that I'm afraid to try sometimes, because if the outcome should be…anything but perfect, I need something to blame. If I give it my all and then… It's just too much.
COP 1: (Busting into the door) Alright, nobody move! Hands up!
PHIN: Aera, before they take me away, you need to know something… I know that I'm not the most pleasant or charming guy, but you're the only family I got. And... I… I love you… I think.
BRAM: Well you think too much. Aera, I know I love you!
MORGAN: Boys!... (to BRAM) Did you just say baby porn?
AREA: While both of your confessions are more than heartwarming, (points to SOPHIE) that puppet over there is more my type.
SOPHIE: Wait, what!?
COP 1: I said nobody move! (they all stop) Now which one of you is Dorthy Hamill?
DORTHY: Oh, that's me dear.
COP 2: You're coming with us. (the two COPS handcuff DORTHY)
COP 1: You're being arrested under charges of illegal drug pedaling.
DORTHY: So you found it all?
COP 2: The basement wasn't a good place to hide it.
DORTHY: I figured. (all three of them start to exit)
COP 1: You folks have a nice night. (all of them leave. There is an awkward silence)
AREA: Well then, as you were.
BRAM: How were we, exactly?
MORGAN: Jack and coke, please. (Blackout)